Semuanya buat mereka.

Seringkali, dan hampir setiap hari saya minta Tuhan untuk menjadikan hidup saya berarti untuk orang lain. Saya berdoa supaya saya bisa menjadi blessings untuk mereka; setiap orang yang saya temui, yang saya sapa, saya ajak bicara, dan semuanya yang saya bisa lakukan buat mereka. 

Saya pikir, Dia akan pakai saya lewat perkataan dan perbuatan saya saja. 

Saya pikir, Dia akan beri saya kata-kata yang manis dan penuh kasih karunia, perbuatan yang menolong dan meringankan beban orang lain, dan hanya sebatas itu saja. 

Not as what I've expected, hari demi hari Dia kasih saya begitu banyak beban berat dan masalah.

Problems, pains, heartbreaks, tears, semua hal yang tak terelakkan ada setiap harinya.

Membuat saya berjuang dengan sangat keras, belajar dengan sangat keras, karena saya ingin keluar dari semua persoalan saya. 

Saya begitu fokus memikirkan bagaimana saya harus keluar dari masalah-masalah saya, hingga saya berpikir, "Tuhan, bagaimana saya bisa memberkati orang lain kalau saya sendiri tak cukup hebat untuk menolong diri saya?"

Then after all, when I dig deeper than that, Tuhan cuma bilang:

"Kamu minta Aku supaya kamu bisa memberkati orang lain, tapi kamu selalu mengeluh dan bertindak lemah setiap kali Aku biarkan masalah terjadi, setiap kali Aku biarkan kamu merasakan rasa sakit itu. Kamu kira ketika kamu berhasil mengatasi beban dan sakitmu, itu hanya akan mendewasakan kamu, membuat kamu lebih kuat? Hanya sebatas itu? Tidak sama sekali. Semua rasa sakit kamu, pada akhirnya tidak digunakan untuk kehebatan kamu. Itu untuk orang lain."

dan sekarang, hari ini saya mengerti. Terlalu dangkal buat masih berpikir dan memusatkan tujuan kalau semuanya akan kembali untuk kehebatan saya, kekuatan saya, atau bahkan kedewasaan saya. Setiap rasa sakit saya, masalah saya, beban saya, air mata saya, semuanya.... bukan untuk menguntungkan hidup saya pada akhirnya nanti, bukan untuk membuat saya lebih hebat. Tapi semuanya akan saya beri untuk oranglain... bagaimana hari ini saya investasikan semua itu dengan iman dan kepercayaan penuh, bagaimana Tuhan akan mengubah setiap rasa sakit ini menjadi blessings buat setiap mereka yang saya temui, karena mereka akan mencari orang-orang yang pernah dan bisa merasakan rasa sakit mereka. 

:) God turns pains into blessings, and all for the glory of God.

Dear fighter...

Does it hurt you that you feel like you can't hold it anymore? Are you feeling tired of all these war? 
Some of you may tired for all these process, all the healing progress, the recovering that seems to take forever... You stand, you fall, you get up, then you find yourselves again falling. Failing. Drowning. Dying. 

Get enough of it. 
This is another turning point, the next level of your turning point. 
Yes this is the pain of healing, the pain of recovering... Yet the blessings that abound. 
YES. 
You are healed. You are recovered. You have won it all.
It is not because you are not failing. It is not because you are not falling again. 
It is not because you are gaining something.
It is not the matter of all your issues, or all you have been through, or all you have done. 
It is the matter of your heart, your feelings, your emotions.
Your heart matters the most to Him. 
And He did, He took the war and won it for you. 
His cross, His blood already did it all to heal your pain, to free you. 
His love will always breaks your fall, you can't doubt it.
Stop doubting and TRUST.


You will get through this. 
Better days are ahead.
Some days are harder than this.
You have God. 

Be still. 
Don't give up.
Keep fighting.
You are a fighter.

:)

"Ini bukan tentang bagaimana aku harus meletakkan hatiku pada pria ini, atau pria yang disana... Ini tentang bagaimana aku tetap meletakkan hatiku pada Tuhan, di atas segala-galanya. "

It's GRACE All the Way

I don't know why so suddenly I felt like He wanted me to write about this, last night I couldn't sleep well, in the midnight I finally woke up and He led me to kneel down, pray and worship.

But... Much more before that, I already wrote and posted something from what I got on my night prayer yesterday, so I posted it on my instagram, well here it is:

Related to this, firstly I wanna share something that are going through my life on the time being, how God's turning all the pains into blessings, how He let me see that His GRACE will never ends....

These past few days has been really really tough. I had my injections for my immune system. People asked about why did I do this? :)) way too much to be explained, but God let me to have one disease that maybe couldn't be healed in a short time. Since this disease came up when I was about 10 years old, I've always praying and asking Him to heal me but He didn't remove it yet perfectly. I've always felt sick everyday, I used to go to so many doctors and medications, but everything went useless.

Then, I tried to live more healthy. Since June 2013, He changed my life. 

I renewed my life style. Since then and until now, I go to gym, I run. I start to care a little more about eating healthy foods. And since that, I haven't got the sick again, I could enjoy myself, I'm living my life happily. And this disease almost never comes up again to scare me, so I thought I did it. Healthy lifestyle could healed. From all of this, I've seen that He healed me through long process which I couldn't explain, because every thing goes better, and I know that He isn't finished yet. But since I had this injections, I realized that this disease was still here, stays inside my body. But it just didn't show up. So I still need medication for this. 

I've known about Paul, I've read it from 2 Corinthians 12, that Paul also had a disease, He has asked God to remove it from his soul for three times but God refused. God said, "My POWER and GRACE go perfectly through your sickness," LOL I've even asked Him more than 3 times! I asked Him everyday, so I thought it will be the same like what Paul had experienced.

And on this time being, as I said before, these injections are REALLY KILLING me! every time I finished my injections, I always get sick, I get temperature, painful headache, painful joints everywhere, I can't go to campus and I just stay at home, I just can eat and sleep. My doctor told me that this will always be the side effects of my injections, because the medication goes through my body's temperature so it will increase my body's temperature. But when it is done, I will be more healthier. So every time I get these injections, I'm always longing for this healthier thing to happen as soon as possible :(

NAH.... last night I think I had enough of all these pain, I'm still going to have my injections tonight, but God finally showed me....yes, it is grace all the way, always have and always will.

I believe that I will always see Him more and most in my weakest. 

So last midnight I woke up with a very dehydrated soul, I've already felt it since the evening, I felt like He told me that He wanted me to stay up during the midnight. But I refused to listen, so I just tried to sleep but I couldn't! 

When I woke up, I decided to start worship and pray. Then just in a minute I started to cry. Tears came up from my eyes. I didn't know why, but I felt really really comfort so I continued to cry. He didn't say anything yet. He let me to took my rest on Him, and I had it. 

I kneel down and I shouted out loud, how all of these really scare my life. I tried my best to keep trusting. Even every thing scares me, even every injection hurts me bad, I don't dare to give up trusting. I keep suck these things up because all I know is if I give up then it will scares me more and more.

And finally, I heard Him.... He told me this that made me cried more and more! 

"you'll never know how much your faith has pleased Me... don't give up, dear"

Yes. don't give up. Keep trusting. Do what you have to do, even if it scares you, even if it hurts you, even if you don't want to. If God said, "Go." then you have to go. You'll never know what tomorrow brings, but everything will be a grace. God will turn all of our pains into blessings if we let them. We are all made from grace, by grace, and for grace. It is grace all the way. I'd never thought that I could survive until now, if not by His grace, what else?

I pray that this posting will bless you, I pray that all of this could be a blessing for you, whoever you are who's reading it now... do not give up on everything :) Pray harder, trust harder. Tough times = trust times. Just give up yourself on His grace.

Faith like Abraham

such a long time since my long-last post, but today i wanna share 'bout what i'm learning year by year... to have faith, even in our smallest trust :)

1 hal yang selalu gua inget, waktu Dia ngomong "Sebanyak yg engkau bisa, beristirahatlah dlm kepercayaan yg kaumiliki terhadapKu, sekecil apapun, ya?" -The Shack/p.155. dan ini yg jadi pegangan hidup gua selama puluhan tahun gua hidup, menghadapi hari-hari yang berat, penuh sama hal-hal yg mungkin seharusnya udah berhasil membuat gua gila.

Tuhan ijinin banyak banget beban yg harus gua pikul, sampe setiap kali gua cerita ke org lain, gua cuma blg di akhir sesi curhat gua, "gua beneran kaya bawa batu, punggung gua berasa bgt berat. buat percaya sama Dia, susah banget, butuh perjuangan."

gua terlalu fokus sama semua beban itu sampe cape dengan semua beban gua, sampe-sampe gua ngerasa bahkan udah terlalu cape buat pikirin beban-beban itu. and i used to be tough. really.

padahal Dia ngga pernah berhenti ngasih liat 'kode' kalo gua, or i mean, KITA, harus dan cuma harus percaya, itu aja. Percaya sama janjiNya, janji kemenangan, janji pemulihan, penyembuhan, segudang janji tentang blessing yang Dia akan limpahin. yet sometimes kita-nya aja yang ngga peka sama kode itu. balik lg ke relationship kita sm Dia, how far, how deep, how? hehehe

so this is taken form a small note that i wrote on my journal, 26 December 2012,

Roma 4:18-22

4:18 Sebab sekalipun tidak ada dasar untuk berharap, namun Abraham berharap juga dan percaya, bahwa ia akan menjadi bapa banyak bangsa, ^s  menurut yang telah difirmankan: "Demikianlah banyaknya nanti keturunanmu. ^t " 4:19 Imannya tidak menjadi lemah, walaupun ia mengetahui, bahwa tubuhnya sudah sangat lemah, ^u  karena usianya telah kira-kira seratus ^v  tahun, dan bahwa rahim Sara telah tertutup. ^w  4:20 Tetapi terhadap janji Allah ia tidak bimbang karena ketidakpercayaan, malah ia diperkuat ^x  dalam imannya dan ia memuliakan Allah, ^y  4:21 dengan penuh keyakinan, bahwa Allah berkuasa untuk melaksanakan apa yang telah Ia janjikan. ^z  4:22 Karena itu hal ini diperhitungkan kepadanya sebagai kebenaran ^.

A FAITH LIKE ABRAHAM.

Gua ga pernah mengerti gimana Abraham bisa sepercaya itu sama Tuhan. buat gua, INI INSANE. totally an insanity. dan mungkin sama seperti yg gua harus alami, harus percaya sama janji Tuhan, over and over again, waiting patiently untuk hal itu, sampe ngerasa emang ini insane.

gimana engga?

Abraham, ngga ada dasar untuk berharap. cuma modal yang Tuhan ngomong doang. umurnya udah tua, istrinya udah tua udah mandul. gila kali kalo masih ngarep-ngarep anak?! hahaha tapi dia berharap dan percaya sama janji Tuhan. Abraham akan jadi Bapa bagi bangsa-bangsa. Siapapun pasti mikir, janji Tuhan kok bertolak belakang banget sama kenyataan?! 

Well, ini yang Tuhan suka:) semakin keliatan ngga mungkin, semakin kita harus gila percayanya. 

Imannya NGGA MENJADI LEMAH, walaupun Abraham tau banget badannya fisiknya udah renta. Abraham NGGA BIMBANG. malah gila nya, semakin terlihat ngga mungkin, ini semakin MEMPERKUAT IMANNYA. NOTED. dan ini memuliakan Allah. sampe Tuhan mungkin bilang "belum ada manusia segila ini buat percaya sama Aku. belum ada," terus mungkin Dia cuma nyengir kalem, santai, ngeliat Abraham holding erat imannya. 

terus 1 hal, kalo kisah Abraham dibaca, ngga pernah tertulis "Abraham stress, Abraham struggle, Abraham depresi, jatuh bangun buat percaya" malah yg ada begitu jelas terlihat, Abraham ENJOY banget dan bener-bener bisa relaxing dalam kepercayaan dia. NAH INI. INI loh, iman yang Tuhan cari. iman yang se-insane ini.

bukan iman untuk dipergumulkan, distruggle-in, disusah-susah-in buat dipercaya dan dipegang erat. tapi iman yang dipercaya dengan hati yg polos, dipercaya dengan sukacita, enjoying & relaxing. beristirahat dalam iman. kalo kita mengenal Dia, seperti Abraham, ngga akan butuh perjuangan dan struggle buat bisa percaya. think abt this.

Kadang bukannya janji Tuhan ngga keliatan, but there's a time dimana Tuhan iseng untuk nutup mata kita dari belakang. seakan-akan kita ngga bisa liat yang di depan janji-janjiNya, terus kita ngga bisa ngeliat Dia di belakang kita. dan seringkali hal seperti ini yang bikin kita cepet depresi, langsung stres, ngga jarang blaming Tuhan ini itu, "Tuhan mana? mana janji Tuhan? katanya Tuhan ada? katanya aku ngga bakal gagal? katanya aku bisa lewatin? katanya aku ngga akan jatoh lagi, mana Tuhan manaaa?" ----> bukan imannya yang gila, tapi kitanya yang bodoh. 

WHAT'S YOUR GIANT NOWDAYS, DEAR?

Hehehe... kenapa harus ada pressures dalam hidup lo? kenapa harus ada segudang masalah berat dalam hidup lo yang bikin lo putus asa? memang harus putus asa dulu kan, baru kita mau percaya sama Dia. Dia paling ngga suka kita depend sama kekuatan kita sendiri or orang lain. Dia cuma mau kita percaya sama Dia. karna emang cuma Dia yang bisa. ngga ada yang terlalu susah, kalo hal ini hal itu terjadi dalam hidup lo dan gua, artinya lo kuat. dan gua kuat. kita kuat, di dalam Dia. so bersiaplah buat pegang erat iman yang gila ini. percaya dengan gila, bukan setengah-setengah. 

IMAN teruji, bukan saat kita lagi seneng.

IMAN teruji, waktu kita lagi sedih, stress, depresi, putus asa.

IMAN teruji, bukan saat Dia kasih kita sesuatu yang bisa kita syukuri dengan gampang.

IMAN teruji, waktu Dia belum kasih kita apapun sesuai janjiNya

IMAN teruji, bukan saat kita lagi ngga ada masalah.

IMAN teruji, dalam masa-masa kesesakan kita

IMAN teruji, bukan saat kita bisa ngeliat Dia dalam hidup kita

IMAN teruji, saat Dia 'terlihat' ngga ada.

IMAN teruji, bukan saat kita bisa percaya.

IMAN akan teruji, waktu kita lagi ngga bisa percaya.

IMAN teruji, saat dunia bilang "ngga mungkin! lo ngga akan bisa! alahh percuma, sia-sia!"

IMAN teruji, saat yang lo liat adalah KEBALIKAN dari janji Tuhan.

saat segala harapan lo seakan dicuri dan hilang gitu aja.

IMAN teruji saat yang lo liat bukanlah yang Dia liat.

dan IMAN akan terus teruji dan diuji, sampe waktunya Tuhan bisa bilang "oke enough, dia udah terlalu gila untuk percaya sama Aku, jadi ini Aku genapin setiap janji Aku," - itu IMAN SEJATI :)

sampe saat ini gua masih belajar untuk terus percaya dengan 'gila', gua masih dipenuhi segala macam tekanan yang membuat gua harus semakin percaya lagi, lebih gila lagi untuk percaya. dan kenapa gua masih bisa percaya? simpel, karna gua ngga pernah berhenti buat liat apa yang gua percayain; JANJI TUHAN. 

jadi, masih menantikan janji Tuhan? santai, kita hanya belum cukup gila untuk percaya, harus lebih gila lagi;)

we may say that the hardest part of believing is to keep believing, but the truth is, it will be a hardest part is not when we keep believing, but when we STOP to see what we are believing for.  

Do you know how to make God happy?
Trust Him! Fill your heart with His promises.
Put your life in His hands. Give Him all the pieces and let Him make something beautiful.
God bless ^^

Girls are like apples

I'm an apple in His eye, the precious one!

He won't let me fall and be reached easily by the wrong boys, then He said i should wait.

i'm worth to be waited

worth to be fought

and worth to be loved, by a true and right man.

#ladyinwaiting

someday. somewhere. somehow. someone. 

p.s : this note belong to every girl who's willing to commit, 
to wait,
 and to hide safely in their God :)

Beauty Fades

"If we fall in love because someone is beautiful, what happens when that beauty fades?"

Beauty soon fades. That's why loving a girl for their appearance won't be existed for a long time, soon it'll fade away. And it's not love.

Love a girl not by her appearance. love her kindly by her heart, which is so hidden in God.