There is this truth: You'll never know where you stand til you realize that you are not standing anymore. you are falling. and the pain feels real. it hurts like it was never before. and these days, it comes to me like I'm drowning. in the sea of nowhere, and I just knew I'm not standing; even before I realize I've been falling, and drowning so deep.
Before this happened, I've always thought that I'm completely okay, there is nothing wrong with me. Sometimes I have problems but it's all feel okay, and I just thought God is here. Period. But then... the moment I know I've been falling so hard, I know He is still here, standing; but I'm not there with Him.
I've been walking all alone without Him. that's why grace feels cliché in my heart. even my soul cannot grasp what it means to experience grace.
finally all I know is this: I'M DROWNING AND I AM IN CONSTANT NEED OF GRACE.
This literally happened once all i feel was emptiness. loneliness . sickness. tiredness. hopelessness. I was depressed. I didn't have any reason to feel good and enough about myself. Didn't have any to be proud of. everything was missing. I lost my pride, my stand, and myself. I've been thinking I've lost His grace the moment I wasn't standing with Him anymore, the moment I felt completely okay with myself.
I am in constant need of grace.
But He shows me; that grace isn't there only in my times of troubles or needs. grace is here, inside of me, and everywhere, and every moment... and I never lose it.
There is grace in everything I do.
There is grace in whatever I eat,
grace in whatever I wear,
grace in my walking,
grace in my running,
grace in my speaking,
grace in my struggling
There is even grace in my smile,
and grace in my eyes, in my hopeless tears.
There is grace in my love towards myself,
and my love towards others.
There is beautiful grace in my face. and my skin. my body. my feet. my hands. and more grace inside my soul and my heart. grace in everything I am, in everything I do.
grace in who I am these past days. grace in who I am today, and in who I am tomorrow.
that I don't need to ask or to beg Him for His grace.
I'm in constant need of grace, but my life and everything in it is a grace already.
I have grace the moment I don't have anything.
I may not stand with Him these past days, but now I know His grace stands, and now grace is standing and fighting my battle of pain. And I'm gonna win. Grace will put everything back to its places, the place where I belong: His love, His arms. and His providence.
"My grace is sufficient for you..." - 2 Cor 12:9