Saturday, August 25, 2012


As time goes by.. there's so many times, so many troubles and pains that just make me OVER FEAR. too much fear, uncontrolled fear. i'm terribly desperate by my own fear. fyi, this is my weakness. my golliat: frightened, terrified.

i'm fear of my future. i'm fear of all this sickness. i'm fear to walk in God's plan. i'm too fear if all i want isn't the same like what God wants in my life. and He showed that. my way isn't His way. everything i want, it's not what He wants. i'm trying to walk in my own way but i failed so many times then He just leads me away from my way. i was like asdfghjkl...

i was cried everynight, overthinking, i hate the night when my past suddenly calls. i often awakened in the midnight, awakened of a nightmare then i got up with being fearful so i just cried and cried out loud. i became soo much afraid since God sent me a big waves that i couldn't controlled. i once was brave enough to walk on this waving-water. and i won it. but now, He just took up my winning into a failure. i keep trying to believe Him and know what? He's keep trying to failed me. and i just felt that He is no where.

i feel like that i wanna give up. i feel tired, this wave dies my bones. i lost my joyful. i forgot how to be thankful, i was like Job in the bible.
and i didn't realized that this fear kills my faith. i'm too comfortable in this fear-zone. i'm afraid to walk out and see the big waves in front of me. so i used all this fear as a stockade for my fortress. do you?

well, i experienced all of those.
but NOW, this is what i'm talking about;

How to livin' the Faith, in your hardest part? how to being fearless? for me, faith, and hope is a restful place. so when the world seems broke me down, then i kneel and take my rest. stop the war, the journey, for a while. and get some rest. This is what He just taught to me, He speaks to me most in the hardest part :')

1. Dear FAITH, Speak Up! Realized that YOUR FAITH MUST SPEAK UP. not your fear, not your problems. make this faith alive, over and over again! GOD IS NOW HERE! The bible never once says "FIGURE IT OUT" but over and over it says "TRUST GOD" He's already got it all figured out :)

Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,

   My grace is enough; it's all you need.
   My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become. -2 Cor 12:7-10

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to Me. Get away with Me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with Me and work with Me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with Me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
Come to me, all you who are weary & burdened, & I will give you rest. -Matt 11:28

2. Take a REST in God when u're tired. do not do anything u can't control.

You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you & take your rest in safety. -Job 11:18
"In returning to Me and resting in Me you shall be saved"
"In repentance and rest you'll be saved, in quietness and trust is your strength, but unfortunately, you were not willing!" -Isaiah 30:15"
" And stop your silly efforts to save yourselves. Your strength will come from SETTLING DOWN, in complete DEPENDENCE on Me," -The MSG
3. Just like what Job did, stop complaining, stop blaming God. Well, i'm crying a lot for learning this :D But even Job did not blamed God for once. Keep trusting. i had it all, i once saw God as the one who makes me trust in Him but i once saw Him as the one who makes me fall even harder. but this is a super wrong mind-setting.
Stop asking why and start asking how. Not "Why this must be happen?" but "How it can bring GLORY to You?"
4. Know that He gives but He takes away, just praise the Lord for all is belong to Him. your pride, your appearance, your heart, your everything. it's not yours. it's God's. we're just a servants :)

5. When u get up every morning, make an ALTAR of HAND OVER.. let go all your problems, all your fear, all your uncontrolled mind, your feelings, and all your life to Him. Then we have no more rights to get it back in 24/7^^ do this in the morning and even before u sleep. well i did it and it sucha help^^

6. Keep thankful, be grateful and be joyful. make the devil tired of hurting you coz u never give up and u keep thankful & believing :D

7. Learn to Praise Him in your heart-shattered! Just like what David did;

"I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered," -psalm 51 (THE MSG) 
 "Tune me into foot-tapping songs, set these once-broken bones to dancing,"

Remember, God is too good, 'till He doesn't know how to give us a bad things. Everything is GOOD, all is well and He doesn't give us a FEAR, He gives us a STRENGTH in Him. Don't only trust Him in our happy parts. keep trusting Him in our hardest part. i'm learning too :') There must be a GLORY behind this. 

and this, some reference from --> this blog such blessed me up:)

God has the map.

OK God,
I think I am ready.
I have kicked, and cried,
and tried,
to understand
The truth is,
I dont understand,
but I trust 
I know that 
have never let me down,
even when events and chapters have unfolded,
pages have come,
and gone,
embraced and un-embraced.
carry me.
guide me.
I feel you pull my heart away,
to a new day,
another way,
a new path,
not walked.
I can not see ahead,
I have only your voice to guide me.
I can't lag behind,
or I might lose sight of 
The darkness and uncertainty blind me,
But YOU are my light.
I know that 
I have kicked, and cried,
and tried,
to understand
But I think now,
I am ready,
to follow,
to not look at things I leave behind,
But to took to
To hold your hand,
to trust YOUR plan,
to leave the question marks,
in the sand.
hold my tears,
are aware of my fears,
YOUR perfect love,
will bind them and wipe my tears away.
Joy will be found in the light of a
new day.
I step toward
YOUR way,
The path, I sense you are calling me on.
Clothed in simple,
I come.

God speaks to me in varying ways.
 Recently, He has spoken to my heart through the concepts of gardening. 
We are like Gods plants, we need:
 We need to be planted in good soil.. 
The gardener may need to 
reposition us,
to get us in a better spot for growth.
I spoke a bit about this in my last post.
This week, 
God was reminding me about seasons.
How in one season,
 A plant bulb can lay dormant, under the surface of the soil, and seem to disappear.
If we have seen it grow up in the summer or spring before,
We have faith it will do the same once more.
However, we can't see it.
But we believe it will return.
Likewise, I find myself thinking about seasons where I have flourished and thrived,
But now, I may be in the winter season.
All evidence of my buds are gone.
My days of blossoming are a distant memory.
I hear the gentle voice of the great gardener in my ear.
"You will rise again.
You will bloom again.
You will feel alive again."


Friday, August 17, 2012

Innerbeauty Means Everything

 "Here i am, Dad... just form my innerbeauty; through all these pains..."

Well.. This is kinda crazy that i really posted this new entry at 4 a.m in the morning! hahaha \m/ it's just me that can't stand for not writing this, what God already said to me this morning. 

This year was freakin' crazy n hard for me. or even gettin worse than the last year. i experienced so many HURTS and PAINS, thought that last year will be the end of my sorrow :''( but it didn't. i was terribly struggle. i've got a lot of sickness during this year, a lot of broken heart, and i'm fallin to pieces everyday, more and more hurts everyday. dunno why this happen to me, flowing and falling like a giant waterfall. lot of times i pray to God, i'm still trying to stand still, to survive before Him. i failed, i rise, failed again then rise again. sometimes it drops me tired, sometimes it drops me freakin' tired till i wanna die soon, and lot of times THIS IS JUST MAKE ME SO MUCH OVERTHINKING AND BEING 'COMFORTABLE' IN THIS ZONE. yeah, this broken-heart-zone.

i'm overthinking cause my sickness. there's so much FEAR. overthinking cause i'm trying to diet (really i'm not fat but the world just try to set my mind to be like that). stressed, till' my acne comes up! i cried a lot, and the tears keep falling. i blamed myself, i felt wrong, i felt stupid, unworthy, and i felt so much guilty. i'm broken, sucha uneccesary broken heart cause of the wrong man. i'm tired of everything, then i fake a smile. i'm tired of being unperfect while the world asks for a PERFECTION. The world asks for an outer beauty, and i can't stand it anymore. i lost in my outer, then lost in my inner. I'M TOTALLY LOST.

can not lie to the world, even to God, that i'm officially just a broken thing this year. My heart turned into pieces. i'm searchin' a perfection, and i didn't made it. it just made me more broken and broken. running for so much expectations to this world, and i didn't got it. this mind just set me to find myself in this world, NOT in God. and thank God finally i realized. He caught me. TODAY. 

this is the answers. why God never puts us into a perfection. why God never let us to find a man too early. why God seems like never takes our weakness. i do pray for my sickness, just like Paul. and i know God hears. but He just stays, letting me feel stupid like a dumb ox.

i was beleagvered and bitter, totally consumed by envy, totally looked for a perfection, i was totally ignorant, a dumb ox in Your very presence. i was like a fool, like a fool. but i'm still in Your presence, You've taken my hand, You wisely and tenderly lead me, then You bless me. -Psalm 73

i forgot that i am a woman of God. not the woman of the world. a Godly woman.

To all women that already tired of trying to be what the world asks to you. listen. i'm tired too. and the good news is, INNERBEAUTY means EVERYTHING to God, more than the outer, more than a prefection and a world asks (so-much-more). God loves you but He insanely loves you for your heart, more than your physical body. Remember, He formed your heart. God loves your innerbeauty, wherever it was broken to pieces now. Just stay up and let Him to heal in times. And see, what the world asks is just a bullshit :) screw that up!

When people see me, i pray that they'll just see my heart and see a beautiful God behind me. and this is what we called INNERBEAUTY, when God stays in a women's heart. 

God is beautiful,
even in a BROKEN HEART,
though i'm fallin to pieces, 
but i'm freakin' pretty and precious in His eyes.
a precious one. 

God is beautiful in my & your imperfection, 
in our weakness and sickness, if we let Him to reflect it through us. This-is-the-real-INNERBEAUTY.

Yeah, He wants to form our innerbeauty through a PROCESS, and it'll take a PAINS&HURTS. Why? cause He interests with our heart, not our problems; overly. Therefore i don't need an answers/escape for all my pains. can't do anything but kneel down; just ask God to form my innerbeauty through it. (read again my first sentence in this entry)

"you're beautiful, dear. I know, because I'm the one who made you," -Jesus
Today i knew, 
"He's forming my heart through the heartache. He's forming my heart through the sickness. He's forming my INNERBEAUTY through pains and hurts, He's making my INNERPRINCESS"
have faith for it and you'll see, God really takes a broken thing, a mess, and turns it to beautiful :) 

You're a fool when you careless 'bout your innerbeauty and keep running for a fading outerbeauty or your problems.

So today. Make-up your innerbeauty instead; an inner-princess. stop searching to find urself in this stupid world. Stop running your problems and pains. Those just ruining your innerheart. Find yourself in God. You're a Godly woman. not a worldy woman. the world is an unending drama that will just make u tired, cz it's not the place where you born. you was born in His heart, so please, make your spot place in His heart too :'') and so do I. We're a beautiful woman in God, and INNERPRINCESS owns His heart <3

always loved this quote. be a better woman, a beautiful woman in God, which her innerbeauty means everything and number 1. Beauty is how you feel inside, and it reflects in your eyes. It is not something physical.

p.s : this is the song behind this post --->

Wednesday, August 1, 2012


Is it TRUE that LOVE is like all the fairytale tells?
Is it TRUE that LOVE is A FIRST KISS from your prince?
Are the fairytale shows the real love by a simply kind of kiss?

Am i loved like the fairytale story?
well, the truth is, boys can't LOVE you like the way He LOVED you.

Now Hollywood wants to make you think they know what love is.

But I'm a tell you what true love is.

Love is not what you see in the movies.
Its not the ecstasy, its not what you see in that scene
you know what I mean? I'm telling you right now, true love is sacrifice..
-Jaeson Ma (LOVE)

"All the fairytale only shows how the prince gave a kissed to the sleeping princess.. But the CROSS showed how the Prince gave His LIFE.." -a quote by me-


i'm alive! i'm extravagantly loved! i was returned from death to eternal life, and there's no other prince would do such a grace like this; to died and gave His life for me at the cross... watta' sacrifice, a LOVE STORY. God's love totally turned my life around. my love story are more than all the disney princess, and so are you :)